Saturday, October 17, 2009

Pitch your invention to a panel of possible financial backers.

**** Please read with a heavy southern accent and steadily increase your cadence from that of a southern drawl to an infomercial spokesperson.****

Good afternoon. My name is Macey Wampuss. I am a mom of two and before they were even born, I made the choice to nurse them. Like most women who have nursed, it had a, shall we say…. negative effect on the shape and size of my breasts. That’s not to say my breasts were perfect, but they were certainly different and I was much happier with them pre-children. Now, I know you must each be thinking, whoa, too much information, right, and in most situations, I would agree with you. But today, you will find this relevant to what I have brought to share with you.

I want you to know this amazing new invention will help other woman who struggle with the size or shape of their breasts too. Even if they didn’t nurse their babies! Because you know that this affects almost every woman. Women all over the world struggle with their self-image and this is a big area of commonality. Ladies, how often have you had one of these thoughts: Oh, if only my back didn’t ache! Or, I could never fill that top out! Or, I’d break the seams if I put that thing on! I remember when mine didn’t sag! I’m tired of being as flat as a pancake! If you haven’t had one of these thoughts, you’ve had another. It’s true! There is no sense in denying it, because ladies, this is a topic of conversation every woman partakes in throughout her life. Oh yes! Our bodies change and so do our complaints or wishes, but the one thing that is consistent is that we always have one, don’t we? Think about it. Keep it in mind and I am going to offer you a non-evasive solution to make sure you have the opportunity to look like you want in every outfit or none of them!

Now gentleman. Let’s get to you. You can keep your eyes averted and your mouths hanging open if you want to. That’s fine. But, I know every one of you have heard this conversation between women. Maybe it was the girl’s talking around the table in the co-ed dorm when you were in college. Maybe it’s your wife as she changes into her fourth outfit for a night out because nothing fits quite right. Maybe you’ve heard your grandma lament about how they have made it to her midsection, or God forbid, they are knocking on her knees. Not to mention, you probably have your own preferences of what you would like to see on your lady friends. It may sound sexist and inappropriate in this great conference room, but I dare any one of you to tell me that you are not thinking about your wife or girlfriend sporting a perfect pair.

Now, do I have everybody’s attention? Good! Because this is the most exciting part! We have a solution. My partner and I that is. We have a solution! It’s non-evasive, meaning no surgery and no medications! It’s not permanent. That means no back aches, no regrets, and no unfulfilled wishes! It can be used repeatedly and it can be done in the safety of your own home. According to a panel of doctor’s and scientists who have spent the last several years looking into this technology with us, it’s medically safe. We are so certain of the success of this product that the prototype has already been built. And with your backing, we hope to begin testing this year and have it available on the market within five years. We are calling it “The Diamond.” Why? Because everyone knows that a diamond is a girl’s best friend! Clever isn’t it?

Now, let me tell you how this beautiful gem of a machine works. It’s basic really. It is a three step process. The first step is the simplest. Find a friend who has the opposite, that’s right, opposite concern that you have. So, if you want larger breasts for every day of the week or just to make you look smashing in that cocktail dress you bought for next Friday, you go find yourself a friend who doesn’t need the extra she has or one that is going for a slender super model look. You two reach an agreement and step one is complete!

Step two. Go to the doctor’s office to fill out paperwork and receive your training. Now, the training sessions are a one time deal unless an upgrade has been made to The Diamond. The paperwork helps make clear the legal matters involved, takes down logistical information, and requires your signature and a witnesses. Kind of like getting married at the JP. Quick and painless and still cause for a party.

Step three, apply The Diamond. Whichever woman is lending some of the extra fatty tissue, simply numbs an area of her breast, slides the tip of The Diamond into the numbed area, and presses the “mining” button. The machine does the rest! Once done on both sides, because no one wants to be lopsided, she passes the Diamond on to her friend. She repeats the process, pressing the “CC” button, which stands for cut and carat. Fitting, don’t you think? Once again, the machine does the rest! And when you are done with your event or the terms on the paperwork have been met, you simply repeat the process and the fatty tissues are returned to the rightful owner. Voila!

Am I right about this being a very lucrative and very exciting venture? Now what questions do you have before I can get you to sign on the dotted line?


  1. Ouch! ah ha! This is quite funny! "God forbid, they are knocking on her knees." hahhahahahha! Funny! "your wife changed into her fourth outfit" True! hahahahhahahahhaha!

    Step one, find the opposite person?

  2. Did I write that? Oops. Blame it on the rough draft format! I meant the person with the opposite problem. Your too much and my too little could make us both just right if we split the difference.