Thursday, April 15, 2010

Not a Celebrity

Mr. Paupner,

I have received all 36 of your letters, 197 of your phone messages, 318 of your text messages, and 48 packages consisting of bouquets, chocolates, wines, carnival stuffed animals, and autographed pictures. My attorney and I are in awe at your devotion. I hesitate to have to tell you this, but I am not the GEENA Davis you are desperately trying to woo!

Although my name is the same, Geena and I are very much different people. For example, I am barely 5 feet in height, have strawberry shortcake red hair, weigh a delightful 212 pounds, and have never been in a movie in my life! Also, I am certain that someone of Geena's statute would live someplace exotic or tropical. Not in Wisconsin.

If you need further proof, think back to the day you stood at the O'Hare airport waving a sign with my name on it only to feel betrayed that she never exited the plane and you were hauled away by security. (By the way, that was one of my least favorite letters. Your anger was absolutely palatable.) Perhaps with the brief description I included above, you will remember that I walked through the waiting area with my eyes diverted to my toes and the in-flight magazine held haphazardly in front of my face.

So, Mr. Paupner, I would very much appreciate it if you would cease and desist in your attempts to win my affections. To make myself most clear, I am sending this letter certified mail. The signed receipt (the one that will undoubtedly match the autographs on the photos you sent) will be sent directly to my attorney. He will most certainly add that to the growing list of evidence. I've included his business card in the envelope in case you have any other concerns or questions you would like to address concerning this issue.


GINA Davis

*** Seven Days, Seven Answers ***


  1. Giggle. this is FUN heather. I like it a lot it reminds me of some thing you wrote a while back though only in the back of my mind. I wish I could remember what it was. I wonder if I read it where i am now and that that may help. There I go letting my wandering thoughts enter a comment.

  2. To the truth, I had a staff who had the same name as a celebrity. She told me a story about getting off an airplane to reporters, etc. She was humiliated but of course they didn't recognize her as the non-celebrity on the plane. I had to include a variation of her story.