Monday, March 15, 2010

Chuck's B-day

Chuck Norris sat in the kitchen-acting-as-a-green-room waiting for his turn to be interviewed. It was a gag for his party guests. He was told it was all the rage by his grandson and decided to go along with it. Who knew? Maybe it would be fun to reenact this part of his glory days. He heard his guests laughing and cheering in the other room. Letterman was on a role. Chuck ran his finger along the side of the cake, scooping the sweet icing into his mouth and savoring the melting sugar crystals. If someone asked about it he would take the blame. He was 70 today. No one cared about the diameter of his waist or biceps anymore. He could indulge in the things he had restricted himself from most of his adult life. He took another swipe and then heard footsteps nearing the door.

"Hey Grandpa," his grandson said entering the kitchen. "This Letterman guy is rockin' the house. You're up next. Ready?"

"You bet!" Chuck responded.

"Great. Grab a napkin on your way out. Grandma is going to be mad if she sees the icing on your finger."

Chuck smiled at his eldest grandson. He pointed his clean finger at him gun-style and winked. "Thanks whipper snapper." He walked over to the sink and washed his hands quickly. He grabbed a napkin and ran over his mouth and chin, just in case there was some evidence there as well. He'd take the blame, but wasn't about to admit to it unless questioned.

He walked out of the kitchen, across the formal dining room and into the living room where Letterman introduced him to the crowd of friends and family that had gathered to help him celebrate. The room erupted in applause. Letterman escorted him to the makeshift stage that had been constructed specifically for this purpose. Chuck sat down heavily in the blue overstuffed chair.

As Letterman sat down behind the desk, the room quieted. "Chuck Norris everybody." Letterman said to another round of applause. Chuck smiled and waved, trying to ham up his role and entertain those who had gathered. It was answered by whistles and approving shouts. Slowly, the room quieted again and Letterman continued with his spiel. "I have to say that I have always wanted to interview you. I'm a little flabbergasted to be sitting here with you so if I stumble and make a fool of myself, just remember I'm star struck and I am not this much of an idiot most times." Letterman paused briefly for the smattering of laughter and applause. "How are you?"

Chuck smiled at this all too common question. he knew no one wanted to hear about his aches and pains or medication regiment. They wanted everything to be fine and dandy so they could move on with their uncomplicated lives. "I'm 70 and feeling like I just finished a great fight scene. Except it's a fight scene where I lose." he flashed a toothy dentured smile at his family and friends and winked. It took the edge off his words and everyone laughed. It's what he expected.

"I think someone needs to rewrite that scene. Chuck Norris does not lose." Letterman responded. Chuck tilted his head back and genuinely laughed. He would give almost anything to feel different in his body. "So, I have this list of facts here on my blue cards and I was hoping you would elaborate on them."

Chuck sat straighter in his seat. There had been no rehearsal and he didn't know what to expect. There were some shady areas in his life and he was hoping he wouldn't need to defend himself now. He'd cleaned up his act years ago, but every now and then a skeleton came tumbling out and he found himself on the defensive. He grumbled an agreement, nodding his head sternly.

"Here we go then. It says here that Chuck Norris makes onions cry." Letterman stopped. He looked very seriously at Norris and said, "Is that true?" The room filled with laughter. Chuck felt himself relax. There would be no skeletons, just goofy things people had said about him. It was light banter.

Letterman continued to raucous laughter, Chuck joining the crowd and occasionally adding a comment or two.

"Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors."

"When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing down the world."

"Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than death can process them."

"Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain."

"Chuck Norris can drown a fish."

"Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd: no one fools Chuck Norris."

"A cobra once bit Chuck Norris's leg. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the cobra died."

"Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants."

"The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bullet proof."

As he climbed into bed that night, he smiled. His 70th birthday had been pretty good. It dulled the aching in his bones. He felt good and looked forward to celebrating his 71st birthday. "Those whipper snappers were right," he though as he drifted off to a medication induced sleep.

*** Prompt from Seven Days, Seven Answers. Chuck Norris facts from ***


  1. I only wish the best parts had come from me and not another site.

  2. Oh you mean you didn't write this?? This is so cool! Funny! Just like you would write it!

  3. Fun - I never tire of Chuck Norris jokes. :)

  4. Sheshe... I did write most of it. I stole the Chuck Norris jokes from another site.