Monday, September 20, 2010

Four Words

The police and the reporters got it all wrong. I wasn't an intruder and I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. That was just all bad luck. I shouldn't be held responsible for misfortune's dirty hand. But here I am, sitting on a narrow plank disguised as a bed and waiting for the judge to summon me. A fair trial? Yeah, right. No one in that room is going to believe a thing I say after the muckety-muck the media and police have made of the investigation.

But you think you are different. You're an impartial observer who wants to see justice done. I've heard that line before by, say, 20 different reporters. You've read the papers? You've seen how they've turned my story topsy-turvy! So, why should I trust that you will handle it any differently?

I guess that's true. I'll never know if I don't tell you the truth of what happened. You're right. How could another spin possibly do me anymore harm. Okay. I'll tell you, but you only get the short version got it? No prying for details to use out of context and you print it exactly as I say it. I want quotes around the whole damn thing.

Yeah. We have a deal.

So here it is, the nitty-gritty undeniable truth. Big Porker and I met on the internet. It wasn't a dating thing, just a generic chat room for those against Animal Hate Crimes. We hit it off, often chatting about some of the dirty things we've seen or done as youth. One day, he tells me has a Halloween prank he wants to play on his two brothers. He tells me he just wants to scare them and asks if I would be willing to help out. I ask why he wants me and he tells me that I have the best personna, and well, that my species showing up on their doorstep would be enough to send them into a serious tizzy.

I think about it for a while and send him a message. Sure, I say, I'll do it as long as it is a prank and I don't have to do much more than show up at their door. I'm not growling or baring my teeth. That would cross the line, you know. He agrees that my presence will be enough and we set up a time to meet at the Corner Field Cafe. We show up, talk a little while before ordering some slop. The pig sure could eat!

Anyway, we make a plan. I'm to show up on Halloween Eve, really late and ring the doorbell. When his brothers answer, I'm suppose to ask them to let me in. When they deny me, as any smart animal should if some stranger shows up at that time of night, I'm suppose to tell them I am going to I'll blow down their house. Meanwhile, Porker was going to be shoving stories of this mysterious wolf that would blow down houses and eat anyone inside.

That's what all the journalists and police reports claim I did. Blew down a house and tried to eat the pig inside. But that is not what happened! I got to the brothers' house and no one was home. I waited until three in the morning before giving up. By then, it had started to storm. The rain was coming down heavy and I could hear thunder in the distance.

I went to Big Porker's house and knocked on his door hoping he would let me crash. He lived a lot closer than where my den was and I was so tired already. So, I knocked on his door and he calls out, "Who's there?" Thinking it would be funny, I start acting out our little script. He responds "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin," and I bust out laughing. He opens the door and lets me in, but I am kind of big for his house so in trying to get in, I broke a couple of the hinges.

I'm inside the house and he puts on some apple cider and cinnamon to help me warm up. Only, I am allergic to cinnamon so I start sneezing like mad. It was chaos! I would step back after a sneeze and trip over a chair, knock over the table, my tail punched out one of the windows. The house was becoming a wreck and I couldn't stop sneezing. It made quite a ruckus and I am guessing it woke the neighbors up because someone called the police.

When they got there, I was just backing out of the house, trying to get some fresh air. They thought I had intruded and went inside to make sure everything was all right. What they saw, I'm sure looked pretty bad. Like I said, things were knocked over, the door and window were broken, and who knows what else. What I didn't know is that one of my sneezes knocked some heavy books off the bookshelf and they had fallen on Big Porker's head, killing him instantly. At least, that's what they told me I did based on their investigation. They said I knocked him on the head with a copy of the Piglet Society Encyclopedia. Yeah right!

Of course, the books falling on his head meant the cinnamon spilled everywhere making my allergies worse. In my haste to leave for some fresh air, my tail must have knocked the bag of apples off the counter. One fell into Big Porker's mouth. And that is how they found him. Spread on the floor, an apple in his mouth and sprinkled in cinnamon. It would have been heaven in Porker's mind. A proper sending off so to speak. He had an odd sense of humor that way.

But, like I said, it was all an accident and I shouldn't be held responsible. The problem stands that the only one who can clear my name and vouch for me is dead. May he rest in peace.

***Daily Writing Practice ***


  1. That was great fun! Loved the ending image of the pig with an apple in his mouth and sprinkled with cinnamon :D

  2. Here it is, a few days after I read this and I am still chuckling!!! This is so funny!!

  3. Marc- thank you. Very glad you enjoyed it.

    Sheshe- busy day for you! Commenting here and posting on your own site! Way to test the water. I hope you find it comfortable and jump back in!