Exorcising Her Demons

She had been feeling overly negative toward life for the last few months. She wasn't pessimistic; she expected and hoped things would turn out well, was typically highly surprised when they didn't, and was critical of how the other person handled the situation. She was becoming increasingly aware of this attitude on almost a daily basis. The last incident left her feeling blue in addition to negative. If I were an ostrich, I'd bury my head in the sand, cry for a week, and then consider never coming up for air she thought. But the reality was she couldn't hide. She was pretty sure that if she wanted things to change, it had to be through her.

But how? she wanted to know. How do I stop feeling personally affronted? Why do I feel so entitled? What is missing in my life that has allowed me to fall into this spiral? These thoughts seemed to be consuming more of her time. Too much of her time. She wanted to confide in someone, but the last incident left her even more paranoid of rejection and absolutely uncertain of what to do.

She hated the nagging feeling that her negativity combined with her outspokenness was hurting her. She had always been opinionated and as she aged she had become more comfortable in sharing her thoughts. I like that I am not afraid to share my opinions about daily life. At least not most times. Now, she was pretty certain that even that quality was really a detractor. And even as she thought this she knew she kept most of her thoughts to herself, sharing only a few with the same two friends. She had no doubt some tempering would help. But would I be happy sitting quietly and pretending that I don't have opinions of my own just to blend in better? The idea made her feel uneasy.

She had an image of herself, the kind of person she currently was, had been, and wanted to become. She thought she knew how others perceived her. Suddenly a comment a friend had said a fews days before dawned on her. It made her feel even worse. That comment brought to mind similar comments. These types of comments had been made more and more frequently. People saw her as someone she never considered herself to be and someone she never wanted to be. The thought of the ostrich came to her again.

She took a deep breath. Well, so here I am again, just on a new front. To socially conform or not? That is one of questions. And it's a big one. The other? How do I change my outlook on life? She sighed deeply and pulled herself just above these thoughts. She couldn't physically become and ostrich and hide, but she could procrastinate a little longer. Laundry needed folding, her children needed to be readied for bed. Maybe tomorrow she would find a solution.