She took my ladder......

ADDRESSING THE COURT

"It had been tense in our house for a few years. Every one had to know; at least no one was surprised to find out about our divorce. We've been fighting over our property and financial issues for two years now. I am ready to be done! I want to just give in to all her demands so I can move on. But what kind of life would it be if I can't even afford my own apartment without having one or two roommates? That may be fine when you are in college or even just after, but not at 42 years old.

This whole thing is so frustrating and emotionally draining. I want the court system to work. Obviously, we can't figure it out between us. Neither of us thinks the other one has any sense and is relenting too little.

I am willing to give far more than is fair. I don't believe in alimony, but I won't stand in the way if it means this mess can be over. I will even accept taking on the entire balance of our credit card bills and some of her medical bills if needed. She can have pretty much any of the property, but I want to retain ownership of my family's heirlooms and the work items I use to make my income. I personally think this is incredibly generous.

But her demands go far beyond this. The bedroom vanity and mirror were never hers. They were bequeathed to me after my mother's death. It's true that she used it and I most likely will not. But, just like the china dishes I ate Christmas dinner on for the last 32 years, the memories and sentiments of my childhood show up in the carvings and it is my mother's face that I think of when I look into the mirror. And it is not a simple matter of one or two items like this. There are several.

Her demand for some of the workman's tools I use in my carpentry business will never do her any good. They are expensive and well worn in. They are vital to my livelihood and if alimony is considered, hers as well. Where as I can use them to make money, she will use them to..... I honestly don't know..... gloat? Feel triumphant? Nothing that would provide any kind of well-being to either of us.

Then there is the debt. Our debt is equally shared. We both made purchases on the credit cards. We have 15 years of married life stuff on those bills. It would be impossible to track back through all the bills and figure out who owes what. I don't want to take on all this debt myself. I don't believe I should have to. In my desire to rebuild my life, I will do it. The same goes for her medical bills. I am fortunate to have good health and I do feel empathetic to her rising number of health issues. I can't take it all on. I will take some of it in if it means I can leave this behind me.

The only thing I ask on this front is that you remember that I need to be able to have a dignified life. That, as a 42 year old with a good salary, I should be able to rent an apartment without relying on someone else to make payments in order to avoid eviction. That, I would like to go to a play and out to eat or to buy a plane ticket to visit my father so I can support him. Basically, I don't want to live in poverty in order to support, how is it phrased, 'the lifestyle she has become accustomed to.'

I don't think that I am asking to much. I have no choice but to trust that you will make fair and objective decisions. I await your ruling. Thank you for opening a new door in my life, wherever it may lead."

TWO WEEKS LATER

"Hey John. How are you?" I'm on the phone with a friend. I called him after reading the judge's ruling on my divorce.

"Not to bad. And yourself?" he says. He sounds calm. I can hear his kids laughing in the background. It sounds like they are poolside in his backyard. For the first time, I understand the look another of my friends gave me when I told her my only regret was that I did not have children with my wife.

"It's done! Everything is official. Whew." I am relieved and nervous. I'm not sure how to navigate the future.

"So, what did she get?" he asks. He has been really supportive through this. A good friend who would point out when I was being an ass and when I needed to fight harder. I have appreciated this a great deal.

'Well, I kept the debt and she took my ladder." I smile. It's not over, but it is the closest I have been.